Unreciprocated Love

(This was written almost two years ago and was featured in shaunalacson.blogspot.com, but now it will be posted here in my own blog)

"Aren’t you tired of experiencing unreciprocated love? You are living for how many years already but you are dying inside for how many times too."

 Three days had past when I posted a status about unreciprocated love. On that day I felt betrayed, well, almost every day I feel that way, that is why I continued the post from the unreciprocated love statement to this: "You are living for how many years already but you are dying inside for how many times too". I am feeling bad whenever someone shows a cold approach on me. I am having self-pity and I tell myself, "I even showed a lot of concern for you! What have I done for you to treat me like that? I was never rude to you and I never treated you like you're worthless but why I am feeling like that to you? I DID EVERTHING JUST TO PLEASE YOU, can't you just return the favor?" You know what, I envied many people who have that person called as a friend whom they can talk to unhesitantly if they have problems or whom they can show their true colors, their trips, weird alter egos and their common interests. I hate to be alone, I hate the feeling of loneliness because I feel like I was swallowed wholly by a dark vortex or time vacuum and I can't free myself by being sucked. That's why I fit in into circles of friends just to fight my fear of being alone. Not just battling against loneliness, I also wanted people to be affectionate and show love towards me, but I am having a hard time getting what I want.

Even the world was colorless, it is joyful.
But me, my world is colorful, yet I just look happy.

But if you'll ask me, am I happy? The answer's NO! I am not alone, granted, but everyday I getting myself numb to the rejection. You can even hear these harsh but true words from them, "Why is he still in our group?", or when they need to eliminate one from the group, someone will say, How about him? Just joking! (But you know he/she really meant it, maybe he/she wanted not to hurt my feelings). As I became emotional questions popped out: Am I really that dumb and numb to still stay even though I don't have such to receive from them? Should I become rude and cold to them too? But that's not what God wanted! Should I go by myself and exit from the group? CAN I DO IT? 

via Giphy

Maybe I was just overthinking? Maybe I am assuming? I hope so (am I that paranoid?), because I thought it's normal for a group to encounter hardships among members, but I can't help it! Because you can notice it if that "friend" is cold only towards me. Is there something wrong in me? To reduce the tensions in my head I asked one of my dear friends (you read it right! Somehow I managed to find people I am comfortable talking with, they're several of them by the way, but I still a bestfriend material) and she enlightened my mind. She shared that in the real world nobody will care for you, it's only you who will be left out in the reality and it's up to you if you will stand up and be courageous to be on your own feet or to drown with your fears pushing you down some more. Nobody will love you more than the love you'll consume for yourself. It's a matter of self-acceptance, self-confidence and self-esteem, and all the compounded words with self- affix in it haha! 

That became my wake up call. For how many times I sought advices and empathy to other people but I don't/can't apply them, and for how many times I also got tired of smiling and concealing my tears and heartbreaks with laughters and joy. It's just now that I fully accepted an advice and it really moved me to change my POV.


DON'T EXPECT OTHERS TO LOVE YOU IF YOU DON'T LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. How can you love others if you can't love yourself? What love are you going to give if you don't have that much amount of love in you?

via rebloggy.com